MAGAZINE EXCERPT: THINGS GIRLS DON'T KNOW ABOUT GUYS from FEMINA, DECEMBER, 2006, by VARDHAN KONDVIKAR

OK. This list is a bit self-defeating because girls know much more about guys than we ourselves do. Frankly we’re not that complex. We’re like dogs – give us food, a cozy place to sleep, walkies every day and a few belly–scratches and we’ll chug along fine. But, like dogs, we have a few secrets, some as smelly as the dead rat under the bed and some not. And finally, let me stress that this list (I have picked the ones that I enjoyed most) was compiled through a fairly limited poll, and there aren’t strict rules for male behavior, but then there are always some weird guys who won’t agree with me…

We don’t lust after every second girl. We lust after every third girl.

We really really love our cars. More than you’ll ever know. And saying “You love that heap more than you love me” isn’t a good course of action, trust me.

We do get pissed off when women are mistreated. We aren’t often vocal about it, but rape, wife-beating, dowry deaths and female infanticide infuriate us. You don’t need to dominate women to be a man.

We don’t drive our cars that fast to show you how macho we are. In fact, most of the times, when there are girls in the car, we actually drive more carefully and gently than when we’re alone.

We don’t like cockroaches either. We may not scream and flap our hands at them, but that doesn’t mean we don’t find them dirty and annoying. Please regard any squashed cockroach as a favour worth repaying at some point, not a constitutional right.

We actually do find swearing funny. Really! We swear when we’re totally upset and then have a big belly laugh over particularly imaginative curses afterwards.

We don’t all love Keira Knightley. She’s pretty, yes, but she’s also dreadfully skinny and simpers too much. If you’re tempted to lose so much weight that you look like her, you’re an idiot.

We will not run screaming if you have pimples or frizzy hair or have put on one half of a gram overnight, so don’t believe the ads. And most of the times, we won’t even notice.

We do gossip. We love it, in fact. Bitching about our colleagues is immensely entertaining and we do it every chance we get.

We don’t care that much if our boss is a woman. If she’s hot, by all means let her stay!

We don’t think all pretty girls are stupid. Frankly, we know the female of the species is deadlier than the male, and we just need to feel we have some sort of chance of survival.

We will never grow out of playing computer games. They’re part of life. Accept it. And trying to wean your man off them is a very bad idea – you’ll just end up with a depressed, moping bore who weeps for his Playstation in the middle of the night. Now you don’t want that, do you?

We like babies too. We also think they’re cute and cuddly and generally smell nice. We just don’t get the point of getting all gooey over anything that’s bald and wets its pants.

We don’t really like going up against big muscular guys that you pick fights with. We can feel our teeth being loosened and our heads kicked in, and however much we love, just pipe down, okay?

Our messes are not messes. The way clothes are carefully piled in seemingly random order, the books lying around in unsteady piles, all make sense to us, and our delicate sense of orientation can be disturbed horrible if you try and tidy up for us.

We really aren’t listening when you talk about curtains. Even the ones who appear to, and can actually give coherent answers, are operating completely on autopilot. Any such coherent responses stem from the same survival instinct that causes us to freeze when we see a lion and avoid the dark.

Guys do cry. It takes a lot to do it, but it happens. And oh, if it does, never ever remind a guy of that. No, not even when you’re telling him how cute he is.

We love it when you dress up. Sure, it takes a long time, but the results are generally worth it. More than anything, that’s because we like it when you’re proud of yourself.

We’re really, seriously, terminally terrified of asking a girl out. At least, if she matters and this isn’t just for a date. So give us a break, huh?

We don’t know jack about girls. Girls are, on the whole, complex, thinking creatures, with more coloured wires than the average bomb. If we don’t get it right, don’t explode, okay?

http://www.mid-day.com/news/2009/mar/070309-Pramod-Mutalik-Shri-Ram-Sene-Oscar-awards-A-R-Rahman-pubs-dating-Gandhiji-western-nations.htm

Check out this interview of Pramod Mutalik, Shri Ram Sene, by Anil Thackraney, Mid-Day, dated Saturday, 7th March (Pg.6).

I can’t decide if I was more saddened or amused when I read it but I was definitely not surprised. Read it and you’ll realize that now is the time, more than ever, for us to shake off our stupor, sit up and really take notice.

WEIRD IS NORMAL

I was waiting for a bus at the bus stop the other day and there was this girl there, who would cross her fingers every time a bus came along. I was at the bus stop for 20 – 25 minutes and she did this for every bus that stopped there. Initially I thought it was the anticipation but she did it more like a habit. Her face remained expressionless. Only the fingers would cross and uncross. It’s my favourite pastime observing people like this and getting to know the quirks of their personalities.

I have a friend who hates it if you fold your arms across your chest while talking to her. Before you even realize you have done it, her forehead starts forming creases. This other friend is so terribly petrified of lizards, she freezes if she sees one and the discomfort is beyond normalcy. You can see the disgust forming within her and pouring itself onto her face. My 10th std. Math tuition teacher can wake up at just about any time without ever needing to use the alarm. Yet another friend is always fidgeting with something or the other, always. I don’t think he can stay still even if it were to save his own life.

I am nobody to talk about other people though. I am full of quirks myself. The weirdest of them all is my unreasonable attachment to my old stuff. Old jeans, tees I’ve brought years back, hair clips, watches, books, bags, accessories, anything. I can’t bring myself to get rid of these things, however useless their existence seems. I lost my stationary pouch last month (I was using it since the 8th std.). It was mourning day for me. I have this pair of pajamas that I really really love. They are cool pink and white Winnie-The-Pooh pajamas. I have worn them every day of my life since I- don’t- remember- when. They have gone threadbare and colour drained but I still love them. My mom gets particularly disgusted with this. When she can’t get me to lose my old clothes, she discreetly hands them over to our housemaid. Usually, if I fume and fret or go on a hunger strike, I get my things back, but sometimes even that does not work. I’m sure my pajamas are going to meet the same fate one of these days. :(

I am very superstitious about my amethyst- replaced- by- sapphire ring. I will not be caught dead without it.

I eat very slowly. I am famous for this, ask anybody who knows me. For this reason I avoid socializing over lunches and dinners. Doing so would make me hugely unpopular and I’d understand :). For this reason also I am extremely grateful to all my lunch buddies, right from school time. They have never complained (not on my face at least). Thanks you guys! I am trying to kick this habit; have not succeeded much so far. I’d rather skip my meals than rush through them.

Almost all the nightmares I have ever had have something to do with tigers. I am fascinated by lions. I love watching them on TV and have even seen quite a few real ones but the very thought of tigers freaks me out completely.

I cannot stand people biting their nails. Try it in front of me sometime and you’ll know. By the way have you heard the village version of the Rocking and Reeling track from Billu? (Imagine the plight of SRK over the name his movie was finally reduced to! Billu! Ha!) In the song, there’s this part where he romances the action of his lady-love biting her nails and skin and what-not!! EWWWWW!! EWWWWWW!!!

I never have playlists when Iistening to music on my PC. I choose one track and then play it in the repeat mode. The track keeps looping, sometimes for hours and sometimes for days together. My latest obsession is a track by Rihanna (‘I hate that...’). Its queued up on my WMP since last Tuesday I think.

I’m terrified of the rockets they burst during Diwali. Every time I hear the noise of a rocket taking off, I fear it’s going to land in my house and the curtains are going to catch fire or something. And when that does not happen, the relief is nothing short of what you would experience if you near-missed a gunshot, I’m not exaggerating. Diwali is a high- stress time for me.

I can go on and on but I’d also like to know about you. What are your quirks? Tell us a little about them (in the form of a comment, since that’s the only interactive tool I have as of now). It will make for some great reading material.