MAGAZINE EXCERPT: THINGS GIRLS DON'T KNOW ABOUT GUYS from FEMINA, DECEMBER, 2006, by VARDHAN KONDVIKAR

OK. This list is a bit self-defeating because girls know much more about guys than we ourselves do. Frankly we’re not that complex. We’re like dogs – give us food, a cozy place to sleep, walkies every day and a few belly–scratches and we’ll chug along fine. But, like dogs, we have a few secrets, some as smelly as the dead rat under the bed and some not. And finally, let me stress that this list (I have picked the ones that I enjoyed most) was compiled through a fairly limited poll, and there aren’t strict rules for male behavior, but then there are always some weird guys who won’t agree with me…

We don’t lust after every second girl. We lust after every third girl.

We really really love our cars. More than you’ll ever know. And saying “You love that heap more than you love me” isn’t a good course of action, trust me.

We do get pissed off when women are mistreated. We aren’t often vocal about it, but rape, wife-beating, dowry deaths and female infanticide infuriate us. You don’t need to dominate women to be a man.

We don’t drive our cars that fast to show you how macho we are. In fact, most of the times, when there are girls in the car, we actually drive more carefully and gently than when we’re alone.

We don’t like cockroaches either. We may not scream and flap our hands at them, but that doesn’t mean we don’t find them dirty and annoying. Please regard any squashed cockroach as a favour worth repaying at some point, not a constitutional right.

We actually do find swearing funny. Really! We swear when we’re totally upset and then have a big belly laugh over particularly imaginative curses afterwards.

We don’t all love Keira Knightley. She’s pretty, yes, but she’s also dreadfully skinny and simpers too much. If you’re tempted to lose so much weight that you look like her, you’re an idiot.

We will not run screaming if you have pimples or frizzy hair or have put on one half of a gram overnight, so don’t believe the ads. And most of the times, we won’t even notice.

We do gossip. We love it, in fact. Bitching about our colleagues is immensely entertaining and we do it every chance we get.

We don’t care that much if our boss is a woman. If she’s hot, by all means let her stay!

We don’t think all pretty girls are stupid. Frankly, we know the female of the species is deadlier than the male, and we just need to feel we have some sort of chance of survival.

We will never grow out of playing computer games. They’re part of life. Accept it. And trying to wean your man off them is a very bad idea – you’ll just end up with a depressed, moping bore who weeps for his Playstation in the middle of the night. Now you don’t want that, do you?

We like babies too. We also think they’re cute and cuddly and generally smell nice. We just don’t get the point of getting all gooey over anything that’s bald and wets its pants.

We don’t really like going up against big muscular guys that you pick fights with. We can feel our teeth being loosened and our heads kicked in, and however much we love, just pipe down, okay?

Our messes are not messes. The way clothes are carefully piled in seemingly random order, the books lying around in unsteady piles, all make sense to us, and our delicate sense of orientation can be disturbed horrible if you try and tidy up for us.

We really aren’t listening when you talk about curtains. Even the ones who appear to, and can actually give coherent answers, are operating completely on autopilot. Any such coherent responses stem from the same survival instinct that causes us to freeze when we see a lion and avoid the dark.

Guys do cry. It takes a lot to do it, but it happens. And oh, if it does, never ever remind a guy of that. No, not even when you’re telling him how cute he is.

We love it when you dress up. Sure, it takes a long time, but the results are generally worth it. More than anything, that’s because we like it when you’re proud of yourself.

We’re really, seriously, terminally terrified of asking a girl out. At least, if she matters and this isn’t just for a date. So give us a break, huh?

We don’t know jack about girls. Girls are, on the whole, complex, thinking creatures, with more coloured wires than the average bomb. If we don’t get it right, don’t explode, okay?